I have mentioned in my prior posts my interest and efforts in developing a regular meditation practice. I began thinking about meditation last year before my “epiphany” and had tried it without success on several different occasions. If anyone had asked me last year before this point if I’d considered it I would say yes and insist it wasn’t for me. On the few occasions I had attempted it, both with live, direct instruction and with videos, I found that sitting in silence with an attempt to quiet my mind left me anxious and frustrated. The instructions to see a thought and let it go sounded simple and straightforward, but no sooner would I acknowledge and dismiss a thought than another would come along. Often there was not space or breath between one notion and another. My mind was like an obscenely crowded concert hall – the concert goers clamoring and shouting for attention.

Last year around this time I read 10% Happier by Dan Harris. In this book Harris described his rather chaotic life as an ABC News man and how he had come to incorporate meditation in his life. His journalistic, investigative explanation of meditation sold me on at least researching the topic for myself. I was not ready to begin my own practice but I enjoyed reading about how he had developed his and was impressed with the evidence he provided to support the assertion that meditation can be powerful. I needed to make changes and this seemed like a good one.

However, despite my own research on meditation I could not get my mind to embrace it. I hated it. I found it sometimes even made me cry. I began a yoga practice and discovered that the very brief meditative segments built into each session were helpful. Gradually I found that I could sit for longer periods of time with a fairly quiet mind after these workouts.

Two months ago I purchased a subscription for Headspace and am thoroughly enjoying learning how to train my mind. I still get frustrated; sometimes my mind is that concert hall, but more often than not now, I am able to find at least a little space between stillness and thought. I have learned that meditation is not about having complete absence of thought but learning to find the stillness and confidence that is actually quite separate from thought and emotion. That stillness is the essence of me and I am seeing that the thoughts and emotions can be observed and let go. I believed for my entire life that I was my emotions. My thoughts were who I was. That belief system has been changing – there is a stillness, a calm, quiet, center where I can, if I choose, hold onto those thoughts and emotions for a period of time or simply let them pass. I am just beginning. Every day is a new day and some days I am better at being still and quiet. I am hoping to continue this as a regular part of my daily routine.