Belonging is a human need. We are wired at birth to find connection to others. Brene Brown, a professor and researcher on social issues, and writer, states wisely that there is a difference between belonging and fitting in.  To truly belong, according to Brown, we are required to be honest and committed to our hearts and values and be accepted and appreciated for those ideals. Abandoning our principles to belong to a group is merely fitting in. Belonging requires acceptance.

The constructs of our American society and perhaps human being-ness suggests that the family is the basis for belonging.  If you cannot belong to your own family are you deficient? If you cannot find acceptance do you launch out on your own and begin your own tribe? The difficulty in doing this, in building anew, means that the created tribe has to establish a  basis of belonging for themselves. Does the fact that you cannot find acceptance within your family of origin undermine the ability to create that afresh?

The tribe of origin (the extended family) if they choose not to accept the values and ideals of the individual should not expect commitment and loyalty merely out of duty or obligation; they default on this when they reject the individual’s need to adhere to his or her own set of standards.  The family as a unit should have acceptance as a fundamental component of belonging.

The difficulty in all of this lies in accepting.  As families, should we not make acceptance and tolerance a foundation for our members?  Can’t we respect differences? Belonging to a family should be very different than belonging to a club or an organization.  We cannot choose our family of origin. It is the base organization for all human beings to learn acceptance and tolerance. A family as a unit must be flexible and inclusive as it grows and strive to appreciate and acknowledge the differences of its members.  When inclusion is dependent on adherence to a set of standards or practices and doesn’t allow for growth or change, the foundation will crack and crumble and may completely dissolve. 

Where do you belong?  Who are the members of your tribe and how do you support one another?